Marriage help

What He Wants


He cares less about what you look like to him,  and more about how you look at him.

He wants to please you.  He wants to make you proud.  He wants to feel adored.  He wants his efforts to be appreciated.

He wants you to close some of your mental boxes, ha ha, that one is kind of a joke!

He wants you to feel loved.  He wants to rock your world.  He wants to feel your support.  He wants to be loved.

He wants to be a priority to you.  He wants the respect of his children.  He wants you to grow.  He wants you to be fulfilled.

He wants to see you smile.  He wants to express himself in ways that you’ll understand.  He wants you to be healthy, mind and body.  He wants to be on your team.

He wants the world to see you.  He wants to be admired.  He wants to be your anchor.  He wants to make the world safer.

He is simple.  Don’t make things more complicated than they need to be with your way of thinking.  Just love him and smile at him and be on the lookout for every kind act he performs on your behalf.

Learn how he ticks and you’ll be having a sweet time by and by!



P. S. I don’t presume to know what every man thinks, but I do have it on good authority that these desires are pretty right on for a majority.

It Works!


Last year was a significant time for our family.  It was a milestone honoring our decision to become a family!  The time when I was chosen to be the mother of his children, and of when I chose the man who would become their father (and I really held him up to that heavy calling in my deliberations!). It was the time when our love started to grow and when we were able to clasp hands and jump off a proverbial cliff into the unknown; to make the greatest commitment of our lives.

I learned many things in my looking back to see where we have been and where we have faith that we are going.

And I feel to share with you, the overarching lesson, even the inspired thought that came to me in the middle of our sacred celebratory experiences together;

It is that living, even in our imperfect and faltering way, the gospel of Christ, really does what it proposes to do: it perfects and exalts and grows us; it lifts and carries us as marriage partners, and families, to the working out of our salvation.  Together.

It is the power to forgive and to be forgiven.  It is the undying chain of trying and falling and rising and moving forward.  It is the power to see who your spouse truly is, even when you see his struggles.  It is the power to see your larger self, especially when you are feeling failed and small.

After 30 years, I can say with confidence, that the path of discipleship, the path of submissive learning, the path of commitment, the path of love thy neighbor, the path of letting go of our pain and heartache, and of letting God tutor and teach and succor and heal us, works.

I hope you will be blessed to taste the sweetness of the long-awaited fruits you are working daily to cultivate with your faith.

I for one declare, they are sweet and full of joy!



Make The Connection


Time for another rant.  You’ve been warned!  xo

How many times a day do you hear that the world has gone crazy?  That our prisons are full and the government is corrupt and X number of countries are bankrupt and that men are untrustworthy and that the air is unsafe to breathe and….you know the list.

And do you wonder why many of our media sources highlight and dramatize these problems further? And why millions of dollars spent are on creating horror “entertainment”? And why games are created to entice children into virtual spaces where they become objectified and preyed upon by addicted, criminal adults?


I think the resounding answer, the sun bursting through the clouds and angels singing, (in this case maybe they are singing, “Duh to the world!”) is that:

We have given away our human connections. 

We’ve collectively traded real, living neighbors for virtual pseudo relationships. We’ve gone from home in search of something “out there.” Some greater accomplishment.  Some other life that isn’t as raw and difficult and human.

Some of us need to earn a living, and many who do, do a beautiful job keeping family first amidst daunting challenges of balance.  And some of us, with a little sacrifice can have the luxury of being home and devoting our time and talents and ambition to home and family.

But I’m talking about the epidemic of children being on their own, of a society that has little use for supporting parents in making their children their top poiority.  The idea that children are there to fulfill our dreams and that they can fit neatly into our insane, self-made schedules.  Seems that on a whole, society has bought into the idea that women are of far greater value and their contribution to society is more profound, when they leave home and family and enter the “real” world, where they can be all they want to be.  Fulfilled and equal and respected.

We have foolishly bought into the idea that more and more and more of things equals more and more and more contentment and happiness and peace.  Are we kidding?

What are we thinking?

Well, to be fair, we’re really not thinking, we’re just watching the construed, contrived models that show us, pictures headed straight into our subconscious brains, that when we have x, y or z, we will be vogue and “in” and of course, so much happier and socially acceptable. (Behavioral psychology holds that you don’t have to control a group, you only need to control the model they are watching.)

So what that often this expectation requires women, hurrying and stressed, to drag their children half asleep to the sitter every morning?  So that they can run all day and work under deadlines and get to the gym and then feel oppressed by all that needs to be done at home when they have no energy left to give? I fail to see the wisdom, if you are at liberty to choose a simpler lifestyle, in making  the sacrifice of giving up the role of greatest human impact for lesser things.  And especially if it is simply for the oh-so-fleeting praise and honor of a soul-sick society.

Let me say this: if you find yourself on a regular day like today surrounded by people you love no matter how demanding they can be, who love you and need you and find solace in your being; if you have a roof over your head and food to eat and books to read and music to play and the sun in the sky and birds flying overhead…if you have a place to hear silence and maybe even a piece of earth that you can plant…then you are living in the pinnacle of life.  You have, right now, all the true luxury and sticky kisses and soul-strengthening life that can be found. This is the coveted prize. 

So, go ahead and work your guts out teaching your children to get along.  You keep on keeping order and model again and again that cleanliness reigns.  Continue to watch your tongue and apologize when it runs away without you.  You keep fighting for your marriage and for the real, sweet intimacy you crave, and don’t you quit!  Keep using those relationship strengthening words and phrases that hopefully your mother taught you, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you.” And by all means, keep striving for the balance, wether you are in the home full time or part, that keeps family relationships at the top of your priority list.

Because, society can’t afford the outcome of children being unattached.  Because, at home you are in the real world.  That other photo-shopped, have-it-all, everything’s tidy, what’s-wrong-with-you, gloss-it-over, don’t get your hands dirty, I-just-need-to-be-me world is a fraud.

Home.  That is where real living is happening! And if you think that there is something that you are missing in the way of glam and lights and fame and glory, you’re just understandably mistaken.

So dig in!  Love your life!  Look at your children!  Give them the comfort of your comfort. The peace of your peace.  Let them see your wide-eyed curiosity about the wide, wonderful world of nature, and you see theirs!  Bask in them, love them, connect, connect, connect!  And that connected-ness will go a long way in immunizing their souls against addiction, helplessness and despair. And they will carry your bond wherever they are and literally raise society to a more functional and happy state. And if you must be away from your loved ones, simplify your commitments and spend all of the time you possibly can teaching and loving them.

Do what you need to do, but don’t bases your decisions on a myth. You aren’t missing a thing out there. Unless.  Unless the illusion of what you might be missing is clouding your vision to the point that you are half asleep and unaware of the riches that are yours in this moment. Those little ones and the relationship you have with them and your spouse and extended family and friends, that is the coveted prize.

So a question:

What is one tiny thing you could do right now that would make you more able to connect with yourself, your spouse and your children?  Your parents, your siblings and your neighbors? Are there tasks that are taking dividing your precious family time that could be delegated or let go altogether?

Got something in mind?

Ok, just do that. Just rethink it and use your creative genius to benefit your family.


I love you.

And I wish you strength and vision and more joy than you can hold.


“… the act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.” Maxwell


Blessed Are They That Mourn


“No one told me that grief felt so like fear.” C. S. Lewis

I am reminded again of the similarity myself.  And it has me thinking about how that roller coaster of emotions effects relationships.

Even in regular, ordinary days, not times of intense grief, like at the death of a loved one, it seems that fear or illness or even lengthy retrospection can make us appear to each other as withdrawn or angry.  And sometimes we get confused when our family members start to distance themselves from us when they get signals that we are disinterested in them or that we are angry or upset at them.

Can you relate?  Ever had morning sickness and have to explain that you aren’t upset at anyone, just concentrating on not losing your breakfast?

Or has your spouse ever had a lengthy recuperation from an injury and you had to remind yourself that it isn’t you, he’s just tired and struggling to regain his balance?

There are so many ways and times that family members can practice empathy and long-suffering.  In fact, in order to stay intact, these gifts need to be given and received, over and over.

And often, the process begins with those quiet moments in prayer, when your heart is open and stretched out to God, and you realize how in need of His comfort you are!  And with that recognition comes the understanding that you need to make sure that your family knows that you are striving to be comforted and soft-hearted, and that though you may be tender now, you trust that God is working all things for your good and theirs. Often just showing our pain and our hope to each other will alleviate the possible confusion of mistaking grief and fear for anger or blame.

It can be tough.  It can be a long process.  But this is exactly what families are designed to do.  To bounce experiences off of each other, to reflect back each other’s uniqueness and goodness.  To encourage and protect each other.  To endure and try again and again and again to communicate and to share our perspective.

I guess that “blessed are they that mourn” may in part mean, blessed are they who share their feelings with others, who let their grief out, who enlist love and support from others, who don’t climb into a hole of denial and blame and thereby ostracize themselves….for they shall accept comfort and get through the process eventually.  I would guess that it also means that feeling the pain leads to the healing.

I pray that wherever you are today in your journey, through the highs and lows of your life, that you will pour out your heart to God and allow Him to comfort you.  I am doing the same.

I love you.


“I will turn their mourning into joy.” Jeremiah 31:13

P.S. Thank you Melissa for the foot rub and honey lavender tea! How wonderful to have dear friends.

To Honor


Who do you love?

Who do you regularly forgive?

Who do you respect and trust and obey?

Is there someone you want to remember or to imitate? 

Who do you encourage?

When we love and forgive and imitate, we honor.

Scripturally speaking, we are commanded to honor God, our parents and our spouse and then our children.  How do we do that in a simple, daily way?

Maybe it is in stopping what we are doing while we are listening, or in agreeing to start a difficult conversation again. Maybe it is when we say, “Good job!”  and “I’m so proud of you.”

Maybe it is in taking the break that will help us to find our sense of humor again on a cloudy day.  Or leaving a note in a sock drawer or writing a sweet message on the bathroom mirror. (Hurrah for dry erase markers!)

And, could it be that we honor our God and our parents and our children best when we care for ourselves and become a little truer, and a little closer to our real potential?

I wish you an honoring day today and hope that you will also feel honored yourself.  My guess is that there are evidences all around that you are.  Do a little looking, and see what I mean.

With love,