Time for another rant. You’ve been warned! xo
How many times a day do you hear that the world has gone crazy? That our prisons are full and the government is corrupt and X number of countries are bankrupt and that men are untrustworthy and that the air is unsafe to breathe and….you know the list.
And do you wonder why many of our media sources highlight and dramatize these problems further? And why millions of dollars spent are on creating horror “entertainment”? And why games are created to entice children into virtual spaces where they become objectified and preyed upon by addicted, criminal adults?
Why????
I think the resounding answer, the sun bursting through the clouds and angels singing, (in this case maybe they are singing, “Duh to the world!”) is that:
We have given away our human connections.
We’ve collectively traded real, living neighbors for virtual pseudo relationships. We’ve gone from home in search of something “out there.” Some greater accomplishment. Some other life that isn’t as raw and difficult and human.
Some of us need to earn a living, and many who do, do a beautiful job keeping family first amidst daunting challenges of balance. And some of us, with a little sacrifice can have the luxury of being home and devoting our time and talents and ambition to home and family.
But I’m talking about the epidemic of children being on their own, of a society that has little use for supporting parents in making their children their top poiority. The idea that children are there to fulfill our dreams and that they can fit neatly into our insane, self-made schedules. Seems that on a whole, society has bought into the idea that women are of far greater value and their contribution to society is more profound, when they leave home and family and enter the “real” world, where they can be all they want to be. Fulfilled and equal and respected.
We have foolishly bought into the idea that more and more and more of things equals more and more and more contentment and happiness and peace. Are we kidding?
What are we thinking?
Well, to be fair, we’re really not thinking, we’re just watching the construed, contrived models that show us, pictures headed straight into our subconscious brains, that when we have x, y or z, we will be vogue and “in” and of course, so much happier and socially acceptable. (Behavioral psychology holds that you don’t have to control a group, you only need to control the model they are watching.)
So what that often this expectation requires women, hurrying and stressed, to drag their children half asleep to the sitter every morning? So that they can run all day and work under deadlines and get to the gym and then feel oppressed by all that needs to be done at home when they have no energy left to give? I fail to see the wisdom, if you are at liberty to choose a simpler lifestyle, in making the sacrifice of giving up the role of greatest human impact for lesser things. And especially if it is simply for the oh-so-fleeting praise and honor of a soul-sick society.
Let me say this: if you find yourself on a regular day like today surrounded by people you love no matter how demanding they can be, who love you and need you and find solace in your being; if you have a roof over your head and food to eat and books to read and music to play and the sun in the sky and birds flying overhead…if you have a place to hear silence and maybe even a piece of earth that you can plant…then you are living in the pinnacle of life. You have, right now, all the true luxury and sticky kisses and soul-strengthening life that can be found. This is the coveted prize.
So, go ahead and work your guts out teaching your children to get along. You keep on keeping order and model again and again that cleanliness reigns. Continue to watch your tongue and apologize when it runs away without you. You keep fighting for your marriage and for the real, sweet intimacy you crave, and don’t you quit! Keep using those relationship strengthening words and phrases that hopefully your mother taught you, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you.” And by all means, keep striving for the balance, wether you are in the home full time or part, that keeps family relationships at the top of your priority list.
Because, society can’t afford the outcome of children being unattached. Because, at home you are in the real world. That other photo-shopped, have-it-all, everything’s tidy, what’s-wrong-with-you, gloss-it-over, don’t get your hands dirty, I-just-need-to-be-me world is a fraud.
Home. That is where real living is happening! And if you think that there is something that you are missing in the way of glam and lights and fame and glory, you’re just understandably mistaken.
So dig in! Love your life! Look at your children! Give them t
he comfort of your comfort. The peace of your peace. Let them see your wide-eyed curiosity about the wide, wonderful world of nature, and you see theirs! Bask in them, love them, connect, connect, connect! And that connected-ness will go a long way in immunizing their souls against addiction, helplessness and despair. And they will carry your bond wherever they are and literally raise society to a more functional and happy state. And if you must be away from your loved ones, simplify your commitments and spend all of the time you possibly can teaching and loving them.
Do what you need to do, but don’t bases your decisions on a myth. You aren’t missing a thing out there. Unless. Unless the illusion of what you might be missing is clouding your vision to the point that you are half asleep and unaware of the riches that are yours in this moment. Those little ones and the relationship you have with them and your spouse and extended family and friends, that is the coveted prize.
So a question:
What is one tiny thing you could do right now that would make you more able to connect with yourself, your spouse and your children? Your parents, your siblings and your neighbors? Are there tasks that are taking dividing your precious family time that could be delegated or let go altogether?
Got something in mind?
Ok, just do that. Just rethink it and use your creative genius to benefit your family.
AND LOVE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I love you.
And I wish you strength and vision and more joy than you can hold.
Jacque
“… the act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.” Maxwell
I saw apology on the next day’s blog and felt the need to chime in. I hate being afraid to express my opinions on the internet because they aren’t PC or mainstream enough or whatever.
Personally, this post resonated deeply with me, especially in light of the many transitions that have occurred this past year. I had my third baby last May (giving me 4 year old, 2 year old and brand new little boys) and was prepared to go back to teaching as an adjunct piano professor at our local college – something I had been striving for ever since leaving, practicing my tail off, making sacrifices eventually receiving a double master’s degree in classical and jazz piano. This was the start of my fifth year of teaching, and they called me in shortly before the semester started and said that because of changes, someone else would be teaching my class. I don’t want to go into all the drama & details, but I ultimately decided to quit at the end of this past semester to be home full time with my boys, in addition to letting go of the community health expo that I’ve planned, organized and promoted the past 4 years that was just getting going, and putting my network marketing business on the back burner.
This was a decision to turn my focus to taking care of myself, my boys, my husband and my home, to turn all of my intelligence, drive and tenacity to CREATING a home and a family. I have felt so liberated and magnified. I always thought that I would teach part time at the college while my kids were growing up for my own sanity. It was only after quitting that I realized just how much mental space that was taking up, and suddenly I’ve had time and mental space to practice and play because I want to. My sense of self-worth is no longer tied to the fact that I DON’T have a DMA (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdi3FIrsHgo – it’s funny ’cause it’s true). I’m grateful for the opportunities that I had while I was there, for the students I had a chance to teach and serve, but I’m so grateful to have come to the realization that ultimately it was just another job and that the trite but true saying that my skills can be best used and appreciated in the home is in fact TRUE! That’s not to say that down the road I won’t pursue a DMA or more of a music career “out there” to make an impact and share my gifts that way – but I tell you what, it won’t be as hard or human and intense as raising three little boys. Working at Snow was the break – home is where the real work, but also the real JOY is found!!
I personally loved this post and it really resonated with me, but I know that there was also a time in my life when it would have rubbed me wrong in every way and made me livid and defensive and made me say “You don’t know me, you don’t understand me and my situation.” So I went out there, and got to experience it for several years, while also doing a lot of personal work to be OK with the idea of becoming a mother, so I’m grateful to not be wondering about what I might be missing “out there.”
“You aren’t missing a thing out there. Unless. Unless the illusion of what you might be missing is clouding your vision to the point that you are half asleep and unaware of the riches that are yours in this moment. Those little ones and the relationship you have with them and your spouse and extended family and friends, that is the coveted prize.”
These are truths that I had to be led and taught over a period of years to understand – I’m just grateful to have learned them in my heart while my children are still so young and life is so genuinely rich and beautiful. Thank you for the work you do Jacque and for helping me be in a place where I can make this final step from perfectionistic over-achieving pianist and professional and married mom to full-time mother, wife, homemaker and woman – where I truly feel fulfilled and empowered, where I feel that “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”
Much love,
Heather
Heather; I appreciate your honest and forthright comments regarding the “Make the Connection”post. Your history and experience shed a profound light upon these concepts, and I’m very grateful that you would share them here. I especially thank you for saying how you may have felt previously, because I’m sure you speak for others as well.
My love and admiration.
Jacque
I absolutely loved this post today! So much that I read it three times and sent it to my husband because it really validated me. It was like a big permission slip to be joyful about my life! Another funny thing that happens when talking to other moms around me is the complaining game about what their kids are putting them through every day and how out of control things get. I totally get that parenting is tough, but I also believe we are agents and we have control over our choices each day. Haha, but it’s almost like uncomfortable for people if I don’t have anything to complain about or that I am actually happy to be at home and I don’t have a mile long list of things I want or activities that the kids are involved in, or things I’d rather be doing etc. etc. Sorry, I am probably just rambling now. I just wanted you to know that this post totally resonated with me and I really appreciate your boldness and honesty. My goal for connecting more is to be very conscious of when I use my phone around my kids and to set time limits on my social media. A lot of my feelings of lack or inadequacy seem to surface after scrolling through facebook or reading someones “politically correct” post about some random issue. Love you! Keep up the good work!
Thank you Heather, I’m so glad that you are joyful!!! And I think that your connection goal is right on target for all of us. It’a amazing how time flies when we are focused on something that is so well designed to keep us scrolling. ; )