Recently, I heard a young parent as a small child why they had just misbehaved. I asked that question of my kids many times too. It’s just a reactive, what-are-you-thinking kind of question. And is there a good answer for it? Not usually. Mostly a way to express shock and dismay in the moment, but doesn’t do anyone much good!
To be a validating, expert listener, we have to learn to ask better questions. The kind that will truly help you to understand what a person is thinking.
I learned in a newspaper journalism class that in order to gather all of the pertinent information possible, you get good at asking, why, what, when, how and where. In validating, leave out the why and add do and is.
Here are a few examples:
When someone does something that you don’t understand, you can ask, “How did _____ happen?” (The classic example of a child spilling their food for instance. Does it do any good to ask a three-year-old why they spilled their milk?)
“What do you want to have happen?”
“Do you like this music?”
“How would you like to proceed?”
“Is there something I missed?”
These questions communicate that I really want to understand your point of view, not prove you wrong or trap you into agreeing with my opinion.
This takes practice, but is so worth the effort! The next time you don’t feel understood by someone, think back to the exchange you have had with that person and see if you can identify faulty questioning, by either party, which leads to communication glitches.
More on validation to come…
I hope you are taking good care of yourself today!
Jacque