I usually end my written or video posts by saying something like, “I hope you’re taking really good care of yourself!”

Today I’ll tell you why.

It’s because I am a recovering perfectionist/negative thinker/codependent-validation-seeker. How’s that for an exhausting line-up?

I know all about not taking care of self; of pushing too hard and denying my own limits and feelings; of anger disguised as guilt, for every little thing.

I also know about trying to be an exceptional parent during this type of recovery.  Ha!  Parenting alone is tough, while parenting in concert with recovery adds up to a crazy amount of work!

So why try?

Well, I try because I truly believe in these principles:

1 I believe that what we experience can be turned to our good if we desire it, trust in God and if we are willing to do the work.  (The first step is to know when we have work to do…)

2 he family structure is the greatest place to grow.

Dr. Paul Tournier, M.D. stated, “How beautiful, how grand and liberating this experience is, when people learn to help each other.  It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.”

Creating a family culture where people get this kind of validation requires one to learn to give it and in the end, to receive it too.

So, how do we know if we have “work” to do, especially when we are in the middle of parenting!?  Well, I’ve found that there are a few red flags.  ; )

Intense feelings of frustration.  Feeling out of control. Wanting to control others.  Having sloppy boundaries.  Neglecting self.  Being critical and cutting in our self-talk.  High anxiety.  Allowing others to demean or speak abusively to us, or treat us poorly in any way. Behaving in self-destructive ways, even the subtle kind.

Which may all boil down to a sense of powerlessness.

My hope is that my experience might be of some benefit to those who are walking a similar path.

I’m always “ra ra-ing” about self care because YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT IN ORDER TO LOVE.  The rules of validation apply to yourself first, that is you must learn to be kind, gentle, respectful and firm with yourself before you can truly have a life of healthy boundaries with others. And healthy boundaries lead to trust and respect and correct leadership and on and on to peace.

One really nurturing thing you can do for yourself, if you are seeing several of these red flags in your life, is to find a trusted therapist!  I have been blessed by several through my journey and I highly recommend seeking this kind of help if you want to move forward.

For those of you who want to improve but aren’t necessarily needing clinical help, I suggest spending some dedicated time and resources working with a health coach who can offer guidance, accountability and encouragement!  Yep, that’s what we do!

I hope you are well.  I hope you are taking REALLY good care of yourself. ; )

Love,

Jacque

Interested in reading more on this topic?

Here are a few suggestions:

Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Change Anything by Patterson, Grenny, Maxfield, McMillan, Switzler (the Vital Smarts guys)

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr.

The Waterfall Concept by Roger Stark

Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell, S.J.