Hello, I hope this will be a joyful season for you! And in preparation, I’ve decided to share some of the perplexing problems I’ve experienced at Christmastime as a wife and mother.

Many of my mothering years, I have felt overwhelmed by the “season of joy!”

I often felt that, as the mom, the weight of the season sat unfairly on me.

And I occasionally wondered at the seeming lack of appreciation and cooperation I received at times from my kids as I would struggle to provide “Christmas” for them, usually waking up exhausted on Christmas morning, yet hoping they would feel loved by my martyr-like efforts.

I share my thinking and believing errors, in hopes that you might learn from my mistakes, and in the process ease some of your “Christmas burden” or any other day burden!”

You could sum up my attitude, my complaining and feeling put upon as living habitually with a victim brain! And through my repentance, I’ve come to see that every time we think as victims, we give away a bit of our power and become less able to see ourselves, others, our circumstances and our choices clearly!

To put it bluntly, when we think we are the victim of our story, (or we take it a step further and see our child as the victim), we can rest assured that the misery that ensues is caused by blindness.

I know that’s a hard statement, and I can only say it because as you can see, I have a lot of experience with this, and will be working to see myself more clearly, and repent through the process of my growth, every day for the rest of my life!

In our culture, it’s easy to see ourselves as the victim of our story, and by so doing, become blind to the ways we are being irresponsible, such as our lack of self-care (especially the spiritual kind), our feeling of perpetual emptiness and lacking. This victim way of thinking and being also blinds us to the way we are treating those around us, especially our family members.

And that cranky, miffed, entitled feeling fuels our unhappiness!

We may be working hard, (especially at Christmastime) and say that it’s for our family’s sake, when in reality we are disappointed and irritable and angry at our family members much of the time. And, we think, it’s because they aren’t listening! Or they have inconsiderate attitudes! Or they’re selfishness! Or just that their care demands so much of us!

However, our personal blindness is the problem.

But, you may say, the pressure is just too great and there’s no way we mothers can be expected to do it all and do it well! (Unless you’re talking about living every day Pinterest worthy, then yes, that’s likely an unreachable and confusing goal.)

But that isn’t true about what God is asking us to do; have faith in Jesus Christ, that He has the power to change us, and by taking responsibility for our thoughts, words and actions, which is just repenting every time we see we’ve gone blind again!

If we don’t honestly own our thoughts, words and behavior, we are blind to our mistakes and the great ramifications of our choices! In fact, our unkindness (just like kindness) ripples out through generations!

We must stop running from seeing ourselves!

We must stop justifying our self-centered thinking, believing that we are the ones who are put upon; we are the victims of every story! (Doesn’t get more counter-culture than this!)

We must stop blaming everyone and everything else for our lack of taking responsibility for our inner lives.

Adult life, marriage and parenthood quite naturally take us to the edge of our capacity. And that is a good thing! Because at the edge, when we are honest, we admit our need for God!

We may have been chasing pseudo love for so long, trying to be the “best” at whatever we’re doing; trying to earn the most points; look the best; not knowing that we were deceived into thinking we had to earn love in the first place!

But because we’ve been on a “fast track to earning the un-earnable,” we also erroneously believe that if we truly see ourselves as we are, and take responsibility for how we think and treat others, we will lose the game! And if we see that we actually need critical help, and we ask for it and receive it, then God would get the glory….not us! Ouch!

When we’re angry and irritable and pushing and controlling and crying and blaming and running we are wrong. That is not the path to heaven.

I encourage you to humbly tell the truth about how you think and speak and act to God and to others who are able to love you and tell you the truth at the same time.

Elder Paul V. Johnson has said, “No matter how capable, educated, brilliant, or strong we are, we cannot cleanse ourselves from our sins, change our bodies to an immortal state, or exalt ourselves. In Alma, it wasn’t the people who changed their own hearts. The Lord performed the actual change.”

“Our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, have the power to save us and transform us.”

That’s it!

What we were trying to do is was create the look of perfection and want our children to look perfect and our marriage to look perfect (so that we can feel lovable) when in fact, inside we were covered in dead men’s bones, full of ugly anger, bitter resentments, and searing, marriage-killing blame.

Real perfection or completion, is achieved through allowing Christ to change us as we hold to the rod, (God’s word) which leads us to the tree of life, (God’s Son) where we have more and more experience tasting the fruit, being forgiven and feeling God’s love!

Now, it’s time to take responsibility for what we can do, what is ours to choose, first and foremost by gathering love into our lives, on purpose, every single day. That means our scriptures and conference talks are open and feeding us with truth and love and light in a constant, flowing, steady stream! That’s our choice to make!

This way, we use our agency to put ourselves in a position for God to fill our emptiness!

It’s time to apologize every single time we attempt to control someone else. Every time we run away from a conversation or the responsibility to love and teach a child. Every time we lie. Every time we attack our children or our spouse. Every time we cast ourselves in the role of a victim in any given situation. In other words, every time we are unloving and manipulative and miserable.

It’s time to humble ourselves to the dust and invite Jesus into our hearts, knowing He has the power to heal and change our very natures.

It’s time to give up our pride and glory seeking, and allow the Lord to be Lord of us.

It’s time to usher in great peace and comfort and the radiant confidence of a clear conscience.

In other words, it’s time to take off our blinders by exerting our faith that God can and will save us as we enter into a pattern of daily, hourly repentance.

Life is so much better when we can feel His love.

“I am in love, and out of it I will not go…” C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

When we’re awake, we can see clearly that we really, really, really need Jesus.

Hallelujah! Merry Christmas! He lives and stands by, ready to transform us into our loving selves!