Just saying the words, “I don’t have to make everything all better” gives me a feeling of relief!
{If you’re new to this on-going discussion, I am referring to a book by Gary and Joy Lundberg, by that title.}
Why do we so easily buy into the false reality of needing to solve other people’s problems? Because some of us are co-dependent? Yes, I’d say that’s a big reason for me. Or what about, instead of getting our fix from fixing other’s problems, we are just really trying to stall, to procrastinate the changes we need to make? That’s still over there in the codependency realm isn’t it?
Ok, so what if you just want for someone to have less stress or an easier time with a challenge they have?
Well, that’s understandable. Ask any of us moms and we’d probably tell you that we have to think through the appropriateness of our attempts to support our children, even when they are grown!
So, as a reminder: your problems are your problems and their problems are theirs. I chuckle as I write this because that statement clears the muddy water pretty quickly!
What about compassion you ask? Aren’t we in the business of giving and serving and even sacrificing for our loved ones?
Yes, we are and here is where compassion comes in:
It comes when you listen with your full attention {if that isn’t an act of love, I don’t know what is!},
you ask validating questions {not giving into the temptation to give your two bits or lecture, another act of love!},
and then you give encouragement and, if you feel it is appropriate,
you ask what you can do to help with their problem.
They remain in the driver’s seat. You remain in the support seat. They figure out their problems and you figure out yours.
They get to keep their dignity and grow in decision-making skills and maturity and you get to live your life, as a trusted friend and mentor.
If I think of this process as it applies to my prayers and the desires I have for God to direct me, it is enlightening! Of course I want to grow and become all He knows I can be, so I can’t expect Him to tell me exactly when, how and what to do! Becoming requires our stretching, our thinking through our motives and desires, making our best judgments and learning from the consequences of our choices. I believe our Heavenly Father wants to bless us, but he is the great Validator, and won’t overstep our agent-hood by forcing us into or away from anything. So, like a child being asked by his parents, “how can we help?,” I believe that God is waiting for us to ask for the help and blessings we need with our problems!
We just gotta keep on, no giving up! We’re on the road to becoming amazing validators with amazing kids! We just have to stay on the road {by apologizing when we blow it and forgiving when they do}, and we’ll get there over time.
I’m sending you my vote of confidence and my testimony that you are wonderful! I have seen your hearts so many times in your desires and actions and I know they are good!
Love and best wishes,
Jacque
Amen! As a Mom it is so easy to try and fix things for our kids, but it is so invalidating when we do!! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Yes, I have a lot of experience learning from my mistakes! The Lundberg’s book has been life-changing! Thank you for chiming in Heather! xo