The Dr. Baer quote I think of the most, and has corrected me most often is this:
“…she discovered the miracle that we can’t tell the truth about ourselves and act like victims simultaneously.”
(Real Love and Freedom For the Soul, Dr. Greg Baer)
Does this mean anything to you right now?
You may be wondering what I’m talking about, after all, aren’t you already an honest person?
And what does telling the truth have to do with feeling loved?
And, sometimes you might think, “I’m not the one who acts like a victim, that’s my spouse and kids!”
Well, in case you might be asking any of these questions, I’ll offer a simple explanation:
I’m referring to one of the principles of unconditional love that states that we can’t feel seen, accepted and truly loved when we are doing something that we think (pretty unconsciously most of the time) will manipulate someone into caring for us, or in some way protect us from pain.
1 Whether that is being deceitful about ourselves in some (even subtle) way (lying),
2 Leaving a situation either physically or emotionally in order to protect ourselves (running),
3 Holding too tightly to or flattering another person in order to squeeze some attention out of them (clinging),
4 Showing irritation, frustration or anger toward another person with words or body language (attacking),
5 Trying to prove that you are somehow the underdog so that you can receive the care you want or so that your irresponsibility, whining, acting injured, not admitting mistakes, or blaming others can be justified! Ouch!
One of the main problems with these thinking errors and maladaptive behaviors is that we are, in a sense, trying to hide. And, how can we feel seen and accepted and ultimately loved from a place of deception, justification or hiding?
We can’t!
And that’s why habitually acting like a victim is so harmful to us in the long run!
When we recognize the need we have to feel truly loved, and we’re serious about changing what hasn’t been working in our relationships, we will learn to tell the truth about ourselves.
Sincerely telling the truth sounds like this:
“I’m sorry, I realize I was just acting like a victim. May we start this conversation over?”
“I apologize for attacking you just now, that was wrong. May I try again, this time in a calm voice?”
“I’m sorry I walked away in the middle of our conversation. I was protecting myself by running. I’m ready to talk now or whenever you’re ready.”
“I can see that I was dominating our conversation so I could run from the truth you might share, and I’m sorry. I will do more listening next time.”
“I’m sorry I kept you too long, I was clinging. I will be more considerate about your schedule next time you come.”
When we stop deluding ourselves with our habitual, maybe even addictive “getting and protecting” behaviors, we can step out of that darkness of feeling alone and hungry for love and attention, into the blissful, lightweightedness of honesty, ownership and peace.
That’s what leads to feeling loved.
Sending you my best wishes for a happy day,
P. S. Truth telling is contagious! When one person in the family (maybe you?) begins owning their behavior as in the examples above, a new pattern begins. People lose their need for defensiveness since you’re working more on yourself than on them, and because speaking with honesty and humility is disarming! Truth invites everyone to the table to listen and learn and share the responsibility for your family’s success.
God bless your efforts to tell the truth to your people, today!