A little preaching to the choir today! I know, that you know, but just for clarity-sake, let’s kick this around…
“Neurotic: to be in conflict.” {Erica Komisar, Being There; Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters}
I would add, to be confused about what will truly give you the validation and fulfillment you hope for in life! Which is much of the inferred content of Komisar’s book, and has given me much food for thought!
Is it really going to make me happier if I can say I earn as much money as my husband, because women are supposed to prove their equality? Will it lead to better outcomes for my children’s future if I can have newer cars or a flashier wardrobe or maybe the prestige of a promotion in my career? Reading this book has led me to thinking about the “why’s” of the societal illness she describes where children are increasingly set aside and as a result, are increasingly troubled with mental illness and eating disorders; the reasons we have swung from mothers caring for their children to a society looking to government or work-sponsored daycare making a pitiful attempt to secure social, emotional and psychological (not to mention spiritual) health, in up and coming generations.
Here are a few thoughts about why we are seeing, “neurotic repetition” in generations. (If this is all sounding too intense or serious, I’ll say that the statistics for children opting out of life by suicide are staggering. This alone demands our attention!)
The reason for our current state, is that as a society we aren’t looking for and thus finding win/win solutions for families. That’s our job my friends! And those solutions can only be achieved if the conversation begins with the health and well-being of children being at the center, or in other words, if we create a child-centric paradigm.
The discussions would begin with the question, what is best for the children? Is it best for them to have a primary care-giver to whom they can connect and receive neurological, emotional, physical, social and spiritual support? Is it best for children to have a mother and a father? Is it crucial for children to have a woman/mother because women and men are different? Is it best for children to have their biological parents available to them to love and be loved by?
The next question might then be, do women have to lose so that children can win? Could it be that when children win, women win too?
So why, as a society, are we not asking these crucial questions and answering them honestly with our adult decisions and behavior?
We have to get clear on what is fulfilling. Healthy. Building. Sustainable. Validating, which ultimately means, what connects us to God, to ourselves, to our family members and friends.
We’ve taken a detour, while attempting to correct the status of women in society. To correct the status did not require women behaving as men. Or women giving up womanliness (lest there be nothing of unique, feminine value to defend!)
What a burden it has become for women to be torn in half seeking to prove themselves in battle and the workforce, while straining themselves to bear children with their bodies and then deny themselves the experience that giving birth offers them to nurse that child and spend years protecting, guiding, nurturing and teaching that child: creating a resilient family, which then creates a resilient society. A most truly validating process.
So society at large is screaming that women must have “it all, and it all at once,” in order to claim their rightful place, and the women I know are simply wanting to be validated as women in society in general, and in the family specifically. We’ve literally created a neurotic society when it comes to women’s roles. What a burden to be confused and unhappy, when we could relax and enjoy our children for the short time they are young!
“A long-term longitudinal study on happiness and living a good life at Harvard University followed 724 men over seventy-seven years to understand what makes people happy. The conclusion: It wasn’t money, power, and fame that made people happy, but relationships.”¹
It seems to me that this pattern is continuing because with each successive, evermore disconnected generation, the validation we seek as human beings is one generation further from reach. If you were a young girl whose mother lacked connection with her mother (and so on) you may be searching high and low for that connection.
But society says, in order to realize your potential and take your place in the world, you must get back to work, you must get back to the right size, you must make you and your goals the top priority. “The underlying work culture sends the message that if you’re really committed, you’re here all the time.” ² But alas, with that hungry, adult-centric mindset, we proliferate another generational disconnection. And the hunger grows.
Let’s break it down.
Being ‘validation starved’ isn’t pretty because it makes us ravenous and taking, self-seeking and self-centered black holes of need. Ha! And aren’t there many ways that a person can become starved? Lacking connection with those who are meant to be our caregivers? Receiving, instead of protection and care, criticism and conditional affection and support? And worse, in some cases, being victimized, when out of the care of our parents?
“There has been an increase of 400 percent in mental illness in children and adolescents in the past decade.”³
Then when that child grows up, what does her hungry heart do? Whatever it takes! Our culture says you can get admiration and kudos (pseudo validation) for having a great job, car or the latest clothes? Gotta make more money! Our culture says that “stuff” is what makes you worth something, so we pile it on! And the competition and stress that comes from comparing is amplified and stratified and categorized and hyped! What a burden to place our value on things.
“If a very young child’s environment–which is their mother–impacts their mental health, then it doesn’t matter whether that mother lives in a $2 million apartment on Park Avenue, in a suburban colonial outside of Chicago, in a mobile home in Alabama, or in public housing in Detroit if she is emotionally and physically present.”4
All this = Pride+Materialism+Selfishness≠Real Validation
Upcoming:
– more conversations about Real Validation;
– ways to make one income work if at all possible;
– ways to connect with your most important people;
– ways to grow yourself and your goals while you are growing children;
etc.
We get one shot at this moment, let’s understand what is at stake and let’s do our best to make it work!
I’m right behind you cheering as loudly as I can! You’re doing great things!
Love,
Jacque
¹ Erica Komisar, page 193
²Erica Komisar, page 192
³Erica Komisar, page 203
4Erica Komisar, page 167