Marriage can be amazing. It is a blessing. It makes so many things possible! It is safe place where we can get to know ourselves and each other. Where we can take risks, grow with each forgiving and stretch when asking to be forgiven.
It requires the greatest amount of work and effort of any endeavor I’ve known….and it is so worth it! But the gift I want to highlight is beyond what we get from the fruits of a happy marriage. It’s the gift we give our children as they observe our relationship. The comfort and security of knowing that we love each other.
But what about all of the challenges and misunderstandings and miscommunication? Doesn’t every couple have those? And how do you show solidarity to your children when you’re really just upset and want to go on a long vacation…alone?
This reminds me of an article I read by Richard Eyre a few years ago. He said that on a flight, he sat next to a man who had been a marriage counselor for 40 years. The man said that he had only seen three kinds of marriage relationships that were conflict-free.
“The first kind of conflict-free marriage is one in which one of the two parties is totally dominant and domineering and the other is such a doormat that there is never any disagreement…The one just calls all the shots and makes all the decisions and the other one just goes along.”
“The second kind of conflict-free marriage is getting much more common today,…it is where two people have a kind of marriage of convenience, but they live such separate lives, have such separate careers and schedules, that they really don’t have anything in common to disagree on or have conflict over.”
“The third kind of conflict-free marriage is where either the husband or the wife is dead.”
“In all my years of marriage counseling, those are the only three kinds of marriage where there is never a conflict or an argument. So unless you want one of those, you better have some other way of measuring your marriage than some kind of idealistic notion of always agreeing with each other.”
So if always agreeing with each other isn’t the goal, what is?
The goal for us is to get better and better at resolving our problems, and making the time it takes us to do that shorter and shorter! And, making the process kind, gentle and respectful too. Our children need to see this process! They need to know that relationships take work. They need to know that we are so dedicated to our spouse that we will put in the time and the effort and the humility it takes to find a solution that suits us both.
The most effective skill I know is learning to use the “I feel……about…..because….” phrasing mentioned in yesterday’s post. Try it and see what you think!
To shorten the time it takes to work through an issue, try using a talking stick! A simple object that the speaker holds, and while the speaker has the stick, the listener’s job is just to listen; not to interrupt or give their two cents until the speaker is finished. (And may I add women, make your speech succinct and to the point!) Then, when the speaker is finished, the listener repeats back what they heard the speaker say. Then it is the listener’s turn to talk, and the process repeats. It’s amazing how we sometimes get to talking over each other and fail to really listen long enough to understand. This simple exercise is good training for taking turns and to practice listening with the intention of understanding another point of view.
Sometimes taking a short break from the conversation, with an agreement to return and try again, is helpful. Or taking a walk in nature. Or having some time alone to pray. You might try doing something together that is fun, away from familiar surroundings. Just breaking up the tension can bring a new perspective and break a cycle of stress.
We pray daily for our own children, that they will be able to learn from our mistakes and our successes. And that they will be blessed to see the value of staying with their relationships, through the highs and the lows and that they will do the work required to grow old in love together.
That is my prayer for you too.
Love,
Jacque