Someone is talking. They are trying to think something through.
They are trying to figure out what they will do next.
You know that your role is to listen; to understand by giving your full attention; to pay attention to how they feel and to imagine their point of view.
One of the important things you can do to perform the listening role well, is to learn to ask validating questions. (You’ve heard them before from people who listen to you- well!)
Wow! How did that go?
What did you think?
How did you respond?
What do you think you’ll do next?
How do you feel?
Do you think you’ll try that?
The Lundberg’s point out that the “questions that are the easiest to answer usually start with the following words: how, what, when, where, do, and is.”
(Notice there is no “why,” i.e. why did you do that?)
The intent for asking questions is to better understand the person you are listening to so that you can give the gift of actively saying, with your listening behavior, “You are important to me. I care about you and your feelings matter.”
Then, what the speaking person decides to do is their choice. You don’t have to come up with a solution or fix anything. And most importantly, they feel heard.
Is this exciting? Do you feel the weight of the burdens, you thought you needed to carry, lifting off of your shoulders? Aaaaaaah. What a relief!
But boy does it take practice! Luckily, there isn’t a day or an hour that goes by that we don’t have the opportunity to practice. And sometimes, crash and burn, dust off, and try again! And you know how it is when you understand something, and then mess up? Yes, it’s a little harder to reconcile. But, give yourself time to learn and a lot of acceptance for error. It’ll come. In time, we can be validating champions!
And validation is so vitally important there’s no time to lose!
“Observe your listening patterns. Do you listen completely or are you thinking of solutions while the other person is talking? Are you impatiently waiting to give your point of view? Do you automatically jump in when the other person takes a breath or pauses to think through a thought? In the next conversation you have with someone today, listen by giving your full attention. If you start to formulate any answer while they are talking, refocus your mind to listen completely. One of the greatest compliments you can give to another person is your complete attention.”
I Don’t Have To Make Everything All Better, Gary and Joy Lundberg
Happy practicing!
Love,
Jacque
P.S. Sometimes we get messed up when we think that by our listening we are saying that we agree with the other person’s point of view or their decisions. By listening, we aren’t saying that at all. We can maintain our own boundaries and values and still be active, hands-off-their-problems listeners. If you’re worried that you must jump into teach and lecture and fill in the quiet places, trust me, you don’t. Listening time is not teaching time. Listening time is not about you, it’s about the other person, so zip up and let them talk! With a little validation, they’ll figure it all out. And at some point, they may ask for your insights and then, it may be appropriate for you to share them.