This year I was introduced to the work of Greg Baer, author of Real Love and multiple other books written on the same subject but with differing applications. For instance, he has written a Real Love book for marriage and one for parenting. One for Real Love in the workplace and one on dating. I believe he has published 17 different titles!
I will be posting about his writing because I think it is profound and life-changing!
{Side note: of the books I’ve read thus far, Real Love in Parenting is my favorite. If you’re a parent or the child of a parent, I’d recommend getting your hands on it as soon as possible.}
To begin, here’s a quote from the Real Love in Parenting book to whet your whistle:
“A large part of effective parenting is the interpretation of our children’s behaviors, which enables us to respond to them productively. When we fail to understand them, and when we respond in inappropriate ways, the consequences are disastrous.
Imagine that you and I plant a healthy seedling in the ground, but then we don’t water it. In a few days, of course, it begins to wilt and turn brown. What should we do now? We could interpret the behavior of the plant as a personal insult and feel offended or angry. We could respond by blaming the plant. We could yell at it for failing to grow as we had expected. We could even paint the leaves green so we don’t have to deal with the unappealing change in their color. But all those choices look pretty foolish when compared with simply choosing to water the plant.
Just as plants are unable to tell us directly what they require–water, for example–so also are children usually unable to tell us directly what they lack emotionally and spiritually. Instead, they become irritable, whiny, disobedient, and irresponsible. When we don’t recognize the meaning of these indirect cries for help, they naturally continue and escalate, and as our children become older, they exhibit additional disturbing behaviors: they become angry and rebellious; they sulk, and avoid us, and use alcohol, drugs and sex.”
Well, here are a few things to consider as you read this information.
One is that none of us are perfect parents. Period.
No one that I know received the unconditional love they needed when they were growing up and therefore no one that I know isn’t trying to find real love and to learn to give real love in their adult relationships.
Sometimes, as I’ve been reading along in one of these Real Love books, I’ve been struck with a realization of my own mistakes and short comings as a parent, as a marriage companion or friend. And at that moment, I recognize that I’m at a point of choice. I can either feel discouraged and failed, or I can grab onto the new way of seeing my own needs and behavior and make a change. I can feel distraught that I didn’t have this information when my kids were younger or I can feel grateful that it’s coming to me now! Sometimes it takes a little coaching to get there, but I am so grateful for this information now!
Absolutely nothing that I write here is intended to be discouraging, and I’m confident that Dr. Baer intends for his work to be encouraging. So, I’d strongly suggest, if you choose to read his books and or read this series of Real Love posts, that you decide beforehand that you will choose to be empowered, even in the process of coming to see things as they really are, which can be sobering to say the least! In fact, that is when I need the comforting power of prayer the most! When I’ve asked for the ability to see what I need to change and God shows me through learning principles like this!
We are mere mortals, but we’re mere mortals together. And we can do this!
Real Love is, in essence, the ability to give love to others no matter what they do. “Real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any expectation for what we might receive in return. We give our children Real Love when we care about their happiness without any concern for what we want. When they’re ungrateful, disobedient, and inconvenient, and when they make us look bad in the eyes of others, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, because our concern is for them. Real love is unconditional. Real love is, “I care how you feel.” Conditional love is, “I like how you make me feel.”
This idea is very much like validating, “walking emotionally beside another person without trying to change their direction.” Helping someone to feel, by our attentive listening and attention to their feelings that, “they are of worth, their feelings matter and that someone really cares about them.”
When learning and practicing the skills of validation, I believe we need to start with ourselves. We can validate our own feelings. We can refrain from criticizing ourselves or discounting our needs.
Likewise, when learning to be Really Loving, we can start by cultivating relationships where we can give and receive unconditional love. We can pray for and then look for people we can trust with the knowledge of who we are, when there is no pretense or posturing, no believing that we need to earn love by our accomplishments and good behavior.
When we feel loved, we can more easily and genuinely give love. When we practice patience with ourselves, we can more easily practice patience with those around us.
One more caveat: you might be thinking that by showing Real Love to another person, we might not be holding them accountable for their behavior. No worries. There are tools in these books that give you a far greater ability to teach and train and hold kids accountable for their behavior than anything I’ve ever read or learned. It is absolutely empowering, and it works!
A good place to start is by seeking out what Baer calls Wise Women or Wise Men. They are the people you know who are good at unconditionally loving others.
Who are they? Well, who loves you, warts and all? Who can tell you the truth about yourself and it doesn’t hurt because you know they love you and always have your best interest at heart? Those are the Wise Men and Wise Women! Interact with them! Be with them!
Who listens and validates? Be with those validators and practice listening and validating back.
Fill yourself up by being with this caliber of people, and you will get stronger and become more capable of practicing the principles of Real Love.
Next post: what our children need most, or the first principle of Real Love.
I hope you will do something kind for yourself today, and I hope you’ll come on this Real Love journey with me.
Much love my friend,
The mission of Lioness at the Door is to uplift, strengthen and encourage women of all ages to magnify health, hope and happiness at home. We do so boldly, with humility and gratitude for the opportunity.