There is a commercial on tv that is upsetting to me. It’s advertising a youth correction facility (I think) and after about 30 long seconds of watching and hearing two parents in a screaming match with a teenage girl, the advertisers ask,
“Are you losing your teen?”
Does this sound completely crazy to you? After listening to the contention, not even aimed at me, I feel in a hurry to get away! It makes me feel for the child who is on the receiving end of that kind of parental communication, if you can call yelling communication, and she’s the one who supposedly needs to be corrected. Eeek.
“To strive in debate; to argue.”
That is part of the definition of the word “contend.”
What is the underlying push that makes us think, in the moments we feel it necessary to strive in debate, or to argue, that it is worth it to move out onto that slippery slope? That place where harmony becomes discord and softness and meekness become mute?
I have to say that the motive that has most often moved me there is a pseudo motive when it comes right down to it. Because fear and claiming victmhood are not true motivators for accomplishing anything.
Fear of what you say? Fear of not being taken seriously. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of being walked on. Fear of failure. Which moves us right into the victim-mode of thinking. The victim says, no one is going to walk on me agiain! I saw my mother treated that way, and no one is going to do that to me!
Then how swiftly the victim’s mental narration becomes the justification for the perpetrator’s voice in the same mind. “I will defend myself even if it means cutting the other person to the quick.”
Assertiveness can be kind, gentle, respectful and FIRM. We can certainly state our boundary and hold to it with our behavior. (Behavior trumps talk everyday.)
But we are not justified, as striving Christian women, in using aggression and contention in our efforts to communicate our needs or our desires, no, not even when stating our well-meaning parental boundaries.
And how do we know when we have crossed the line? Well, we can look into the mirror of our husband’s face, or our children’s faces. What we see reflected there will give a massive hint as to how we are coming across to them.
Granted, not everyone welcomes boundaries every time they are needed. But, is it the boundary, stated with respect and love, that is causing the hurt look on their face, or is it that, in an effort to “defend” we have stepped into “contending?”
God grant us the wisdom to cling to Him and His validation of us, and to let go of the need to right all of the wrongs directed toward us or worse, toward all womankind, by contending with those we love.
I hear Mrs. Incredibles voice in my head often, when she is begging the villain to abort the mission of bombing the plane her children are flying in, as she yells, “Abort! Abort! Abort!” Except the word I replace that with is, “Assert! Assert! Assert!” (Call me crazy.)
Assert your needs by taking care of yourself and showing others how you expect to be treated. Assert your beliefs by living them and not being willing to abandon them for convenience sake. Assert your value as a woman by living fully the life that you are divinely blessed and equipped to live. Value your role and others will value it too.
All my love to you today,
Jacque
Powerful words!!! Thank you. I struggle in the balance of being firm when instructing my children and not overreaching to forceful and harsh when they do not listen. I appreciated Elder Uchtdorf’s words from conference on not being manipulative and controlling in our families. It seems like our anger will gain control faster but it is only a temporary solution. Thanks Jacque!
Thank you for these thoughts Heather, that hit me too! I am in awe at you young mothers. You are perfect for these challenges in these times. : )