When someone is speaking to you, and you are listening to understand, not to fix, there are responses you can give that will let them know that you are doing your best to hear what they are telling you.
Without judgement, you can say things like;
Oh.
I see.
That must be difficult.
Wow, that must have been sad.
Oh! I’m happy for you!
That’s great.
I think I would have felt that way too.
Then, to encourage the speaker to continue to work things out for themselves, you can ask simple, validating questions that will serve to help them discover the solution they are seeking. Validating questions sound like:
Oh, what happened then?
Do you know what he meant?
How did you feel?
Did that hurt?
When do you think you’ll know the outcome?
What’s next?
How do you feel now?
Is there anything I can do to help?
Questions like these give the speaker the comfort of knowing that they have your full attention, and that you support them in their own decision making and problem solving. These questions don’t offer solutions. They don’t suggest that you have the answers. But they do give a graceful and supportive space for them to consider their options and to come to peace with the next step in their journey.
When used, these validating skills are life changing. They are family changing!
As a spouse and as a parent, your load gets lighter, your vision becomes clearer and you can truly show your concern for, and confidence in your loved ones.
This kind of communication weaves stronger threads of connection between family members, which over time can make the difference between successful relationship building and the despair and defeat that comes when family bonds break under a load of confusion and contention. Practicing your validating skills is crucial! Start now if you haven’t already, and commit to learning to be an effective validator in your family. Your children will learn from your example naturally, without effort and be blessed!
I hope these small reviews are helpful to you! And, I hope you are taking good care of yourself, because your happiness and well being contributes so much to making family life beautiful!
Much love,
Jacque
Yes!! I have loved all of these posts about validation. Such a great refresher! It is so easy to get into the habit of fixing or just providing solutions instead of truly listening and letting them take ownership of their problems. Thank you for taking the time to share these terrific tips!!
I know, it’s great for me to have refreshers too! Writing the blog this year is already a blessing to me. It keeps these skills in the forefront of my thoughts and interactions! Thank you Heather! ???
This is such a great write up and just the way you give examples is so helpful. I feel like it is challenging to do this, but when I have done this it has gone better. I did hear once that everyone already has all of their own best solutions, so yes providing a space for my loved ones is a great goal for 2017! Thank you!
Thank you for your comments Layna! All my best to your peeps!