A client asked a great question the other day; “Do you think that if you’ve been trying to lose weight for a long, long time and you’ve been on a ‘don’t eat this, and never eat that’ roller coaster, can you really escape the crazy-making by just beginning to eat whatever you want, whenever you want?  Like Geneen Roth says, erase the food rules you think you know and somehow you’ll lose weight and become balanced just by having this paradigm shift and getting off of the merry-go-round of dieting?” Ha, ha, she said it much better, but you get the gist I hope!

Maybe a little preface before I reply.

I have read several books, and taken several classes written and taught by Geneen Roth, a very talented coach who works with women who have difficult food issues.  She wrote a book titled, Women, Food and God that I recommend to my clients.  Geneen is such a genius, I think, because she has lived through some very difficult experiences and has overcome major obstacles and has the determination to help those who struggle like she has.  She holds retreats for women with eating disorders and those who just want to lose weight and get into a ‘normal’ mindset concerning food.

Geneen suggests, in several of her books, that when women want to let go of their destructive mental feedback loop about weight loss, they can get started by beginning to eat whatever they want, whenever they want and that their bodies will balance out on their own.

So my client, after reading this asked if I thought it would really work.  (I told her that I thought this question was so good, it was worthy of a post!)

This question reminds me a lot of a suggestion I read recently in an addiction recovery book.  Melody Beattie, in her book, The Language of Letting Go, writes that if you are used to over-extending yourself into other people’s lives and business, and you have become a ‘care-taker’ at the expense of your own health and well-being, then you may have to stop doing anything for awhile until you can come to a healthy balance of give and take in your relationships.

I remember doing this.  I wanted to FIX things for people.  I couldn’t think about helping someone without getting overrun with ideas of dramatic ways I could make a difference for them.  I didn’t  just want to take a card and a flower and say I’m thinking of you and wanted to cheer you, no, I’d think that I needed to take them a meal and tend their kids and clean their house and, wave a magic wand to take away their pain…AND, what really happened was that while I was overextending myself,  I didn’t have to look at my own problems too squarely!  Yes, serving is a wonderful thing, but when it becomes your escape, your trying to mend other people’s problems, (whether they have asked for help or not…) while ignoring your own needs and issues, it becomes a twisted and confusing trap.

I finally realized that my thinking was messed-up.  So, for awhile, I curbed my over-the-top care taking ideas, and practiced taking care of my own problems and focusing on my own growth.  It was difficult because I was worried that I would become selfish.  That I would swing to the other extreme and get too into my own stuff.

But, it turned out to be a necessary step and a great habit breaker.  I still had to counsel myself, when I found I was getting overwhelmed just thinking about all the things I wanted to do to help!  When I would feel the physical weariness starting somewhere in the thought process of deciding what I might do to serve someone, I would talk myself backward until I came up with an idea that didn’t exhaust me as I thought about it, and that I could do and still fulfill my responsibilities to my own health and my own family.

Like all addictions, it’s not necessarily about the drug of choice, be it meth or food or pornography or negativity or care-taking. It’s also what is under the need that must be addressed. It’s the child inside who needs to be valued and heard.  It’s the pain that needs expression and the wounds that need binding.  So along with making a break with the habit, pouring in all the self-love and acceptance and kindness we can, will help us start to heal the the problem.  Declarations of hope and confidence and wellness can go a long way in retraining our thinking about our own worthiness and well-being.  A great therapist and a real friend or two can do wonders too.

I think Geneen makes her suggestion with a lot of confidence because she has lived through it and she has witnessed others doing the same.  It’s like saying, what if I just decided to get off this mental train and start down a new track?  What if I learned new rules and threw these old ones away forever?  Could I trust myself and my instincts to let me know when I’ve eaten enough instead of counting calories? Could I allow myself to enjoy food instead of being afraid of it?  Could I relax and try new things and be at peace with myself?

Her suggestion is a hard breaking away designed to end one way of being and start into another, hopefully healthier way of being.

That said, like my stepping back from a codependent way of “giving,” it may take a little time to find your balance.  And you may wonder at times if you’re headed in the right direction.  But little by little the way becomes clearer and when we’re out of the addictive patterns, we can get back to the work of growing up, of discovering self-love and living a full life with healthy relationships and healthy, balanced bodies.

I hope this answer gives good food-for-thought!

Much love,

Jacque

“I am enough.  I am lovable and worthy of my greatest good.  My body is instinctively in balance. I love myself and others.  I respect other’s boundaries and I am happy to lend a hand when help is needed.  I take great care of myself.  I take loving care of those in my stewardship.  I am loved and from that place of plenty, I give of myself in meaningful and appropriate ways.”

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