We all know what the opposite of an “agent mentality” is right? Yes, the victim!
Hello my friend, I hope you are doing well today.
We’re doing our best to maintain our balance amid uncertainty, aren’t we? I’ve spoken with several of you, and you are doing so well! I love and applaud you!
Our current world experience with illness and fear can be a perfect scenario for people to shift to a victim mentality.
But, we Mothers Standing Strong are remaining, in our agent brains! (And if we step away from being our adult, agent selves, we are committed to a speedy course correction the moment we recognize our thinking error!)
How do we recognize a victim voice mouthing- off in our heads, or actually coming out of our mouths?
Victiming sounds like a whine.
It sounds like crying injustice and unfairness and failure.
It sounds like I’m hurt and mistreated.
Like the world is out to get me, and that I’ll never be good enough! (Nope, that’s not humility talking, it’s the victim voice, loud and clear.)
It’s going with the flow, listening to whatever is on the radio or online and being consumed by compulsion to browse and browse and scroll until something else makes me to shift my attention to it.
I run from one person’s needs to the next.
My time isn’t my own.
I resent being told what to do, but I wait to be told anyway.
(Yeah, wish I’d never done any of this!)
And agent-hood? It’s beautiful voice sounds like this:
I am making progress.
I’m ok and you’re ok.
I’m doing my best, and I accept that you are too.
I am making plans.
I have bright hopes and I’m doing my part to make good things happen.
I have made mistakes, and I own them and do my reasonable best to make them right.
I make my own decisions and don’t need to be rescued by allowing others to make them for me.
I am deciding what to do with my time.
I am loved and I am loving.
I choose to see the good, hold my focus on the good and expand the good in every way I can.
I am kind, gentle, respectful, and firm with myself and others.
I choose to care for others and to include others, and to thoughtfully accommodate their needs in reasonable ways.
I am cooperative and choose to take precautions to keep myself and others safe.
The best way I know to catch myself in co-dependent, victim-mode, is to pray for a spiritual tap on the shoulder whenever I am mentally close to “the zone!” And that tap comes!
(We can call it the zone because thinking like a victim almost feels like being possessed! Like you’re a zombie stuck in between life and death, who isn’t free to take control! Yikes! So, not stepping into the zone at all, or getting out the second we recognize our misstep, is the key! Otherwise, the strange time warp of the zone, clouds our perceptions and in the end, costs us dearly.)
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
But here’s the big gun, if more motivation is needed:
When parents are in agent-mode, their children feel safe because there is a trustworthy adult in the house.
And, along with that sentiment, which sound, victim or agent, is most attractive to your spouse? And which do you love to hear from them?
Yep, I’ve got work to do, and maybe you do too.
Heaven help us be committed to recognizing and learning to better use the gift of our amazing, agency!
I wish you a day that is filled with the powerful feeling of living your life on purpose, with faith and strength. Even, no especially, now.
You are loved! No matter what!
“Our feelings don’t need to control us. Just because we’re angry, we don’t have to scream and hit. Just because we’re sad or depressed, we don’t have to lie in bed all day. Just because we’re scared, doesn’t mean we allow our emotions to control our behaviors. In fact, what I am saying is the opposite: if we don’t feel our feelings and deal with them responsibly, they will control us. If we are dealing with our emotions responsibly, we submit them to our intellect, our reason and our moral and behavioral code of ethics.
Responding appropriately to our feelings also means we are liable for our feelings. Each person’s feelings are his or her own. Nobody makes anyone feel; no one is ultimately responsible for our feelings except us, no matter how much we insist they are. People might help us feel, but they don’t make us feel. People also cannot change the way we feel. Only we can do that. Furthermore, we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, although we are responsible for choosing to be considerate of people’s feelings.” Melody Beattie, Codependent No More
The mission of Lioness at the Door is to encourage women of all ages to magnify health, hope and happiness at home. We do so boldly, with humility and gratitude for the opportunity.