There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have the need to think about using inter-dependent skills vs. auto pilot co-dependency habits in my relationships.  Can you relate to that at all?

And I’m trying to get faster at recognizing when I am spending my time trying to avoid having a clarifying conversation, rather than just hauling off and having it in the first place!

Do you struggle with this too?  You know, when you need to tell your spouse something that could come across as nit picky or demanding and so you want to get your head wrapped around it your own motives clearly first so that you don’t put him on the defense from the get go?  Or if you need to clarify something with a parent, maybe you want to be treated more as an adult and you need them to back off a little, but you don’t want to offend them?  Or, you have something you need to say to a co-worker or friend or a grown child?

These are dicey moments for most of us.
And here are a few things I’ve learned, often the hard way!

Think safety first:
If your statements come across as accusatory or like a judgement, the other person is not going to feel drawn into a positive discussion but rather like they have to put their gloves on and defend themselves!

Create safety by keeping your language in first person, I feel, I think, I hope, etc.  We don’t know how others think or why they do what they do, so to speak for them, as in, you always, or you thought or you felt, not only backfires but also is pretty presumptuous.  After all, the goal of having a conversation at all is to create better understanding, and that can only come by a free exchange of both perspectives.

Second, get super clear about your own contribution to the situation:

You know you’re in trouble if you think that the situation is all someone else’s fault! (Understatement of the world.) We just can’t really pull apart all of the ways that each conversation, each subtle communication of body language on both sides, contributes to the creation of situations good and bad.  We are half of the relationship and half of the success or failure of each situation.  When we get that going into a difficult conversation, we will be light years ahead and on our way to growth.

In short, if we’re in a dance with someone, and one of us stops dancing, there’s no more dance.  Ha!  If you won’t fight, there isn’t a fight.  If you won’t argue, there isn’t an argument.  If you refuse to shout, there won’t be a shouting match.  If you reject the temptation to accuse, there won’t be a competition about who is right and who is wrong.

I hope we will all keep trying to improve our relaitonships by:
Not postponing important conversations
Setting the conversation up with safety
Understanding our responsibility for the success of the relationship
Recognizing our power to disengage in negative communication

I love you.
God bless.
Jacque

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